New Years Interview -- Round 1

This year, a few days before New Years Eve, I'm traveling to Philly, where I'll meet up with my college girlfriends for a much-needed reunion, and will then proceed to make our way up to New York City for New Years Eve. Now, the plan is not for us to stand in Times Square with 2 million other people, freezing our butts off and heightening the risk of getting mugged, molested, or lost. No, our plan is to find a nice, heated, well-stocked bar, complete with a bathroom, to sit in for the entire night, and watch the ball drop from the comfort of our own table.

Only one minor problem with this: 4 girls. New Years Eve. Booze. Jolly times. What is missing from this picture?

Traditionally, when the clock strikes twelve on new years, every girl is hoping for a New Years Kiss.

And not just from any average joe. Sure, for the small-town girl such as myself, I would definitely shy away from kissing a complete stranger (did they brush their teeth!?), but now that I'm living in the big city (shut UP, Portland is big!) I'm looking to expand my horizons. Within reason.

Therefore, while contemplating this dilemma, my friend Grace came up with a genius solution -- prequalifying interviews! You may think I'm joking, but I can assure you in all honesty that something very similar to the following will happen on their next trip to NYC...or our friend's brother's frat house at Columbia:

You there! BOY!! Come here!! (I feel like talking like an old woman will be best) What are you plans for new years eve? None? Excellent!! How would you like to be guaranteed to have a beautiful older woman to kiss at midnight? Exactly . . . for only one low price of . . . no I kid. Anyway - you need to pass a slight background check of sorts. For starters, you'll be happy to know you've passed the physical appeal test. I picked you out from across the room based on the fact that you were fairly attractive and I couldn't smell you from where I was. Now let me ask you a few questions . . .

- are you single?
- are you ok with just hanging out for a night - no extras unless you get lucky - and no strings? If you become a stage 4 clinger I will have to terminate you!
- when was the last time you cried? If recently was it over a sad movie, from laughing, from actual saddens like a death, or from something sissy like your period?
- Fill in the blank - when a girl says she's cold you . . . (acceptable answers include - give her your coat, wrap your arms around her, buy her a hot drink, buy her a heater, rent her a luxury box somewhere with better/warmer viewing) (incorrect answers include - telling her she should have dressed warmer, informing her that if she were as smart as you she would have dressed warmer, informing her that she's annoying you, or just abandoning her in some form or another)
- Fill in the blank - when you are out drinking with a girl your end goal is to . . . (acceptable answer include - have fun, enjoy yourselves, hope to get a kiss/whatever but let it take a natural progression with only minimal alcoholic involvement, ect.) (incorrect answers include - get her wasted so as to take advantage of her, have her friends get her wasted and then take advantage of her, coerce her friends into abandoning her drunk *ss with you and then taking advantage of her) (other answers that will get you shot on the spot include - slip her something, or offer to pay her something ect.)
- True or False - if a girl is drunk and says she'll figure out a way to get home alone you leave her (FALSE!!! Not only do you not leave her you accompany her home and make sure she is safe and will not die overnight!)
- True or False - in the short, perhaps 8 to 10 hour period we will spend together is it acceptable to discuss our feelings and or have other deep emotional conversations. (Probably not - exceptions can be made but safe to say LEAVE THE BAGGAGE AT HOME WOMAN!!!)

Thank you for you time. Now let me remind you that should you violate any of the Grace's Super Fun rules by being a woman, annoying, PMSy, or other wise a general pain in my ass I will hurt you. Now do not assume your mammoth size will save you. Because I will be in big heels and have a lot of rage. You do not want to see me angry - DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME YOUNG MAN!?!?! (insert death glare here). Now, if we have an agreement . . . yes we will embark on what is guaranteed to be a wonderful night of debauchery in NYC. Now run along . . . but consider yourself warned!! I'll be watching you very closely, so tread lightly, and watch your back.

I think we'll be able to get some good guys, don't you??

Early morning surprise

I live in Portland, right? The largest city in Oregon, with a metropolitan-population of about 500,000. Lots of people, cars, concrete, noise, and did I mention lots of people? (At least it seems like a lot of people to a girl who grew up in small towns.) Doesn't leave a lot of room for the indigenous wildlife.

So imagine my surprise this morning as I was driving back from the gym at 6am, and about a mile from my house, I stop the car dead in its tracks.

Why, you may ask?

Well, because I'm not a killer. I refuse to intentionally run over a poor, defenseless animal, even if it does look like this:

*Don't worry, I didn't take this picture. This is thanks to Mr. Google.

Yup, I almost flattened an opossum (not to be confused, I've learned, with the possum, which is a much cuter creature that lives in New Zealand). I stopped my car, and the stupid thing still didn't move. I finally inched my car forward, hoping to give it a "healthy" hint, and it finally ambled away into the grass-filled ditch on the other side of the road.

This is now just added to the list of things I've encountered on the road while living in Oregon. I have now seen raccoons, deer, a wolf carcas, and most recently, an opossum.

So much for "escaping nature" by living in the city. I guess those pesky animals didn't read the new zoning ordinances, did they?

Random thoughts for our generation....with social commentary by yours truly

Random thoughts from people our age...
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. Soooo true. But in Portland, this may be a difficult task to accomplish in some neighborhoods.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. Don’t tell me you haven’t experienced this at one point or another.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. Or the point where you realize sometime down the road that the other person was right…and you now have to find a sneaky way to do what the other person said, only without them knowing it.
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? Note: in this case, I’m pretty sure they’re just using a lighter, not the lighter and lighter fluid. Comparison – glass of wine = lighter, AMF = lighter + gasoline.
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. Oh sheesh, I do this ALL the time.
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. I still firmly believe that we should adopt Spain’s practice of “la siesta.”
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with? I really don’t want to be “friends” with my friends’ parents, thankyouverymuch.
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. Who came up with that as the magic cure, anyway? It totally always worked!
-There is a great need for sarcasm font. AMEN!
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it. Anyone else thinking of Fantasia?
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. Well, that, or I’m the only one laughing when everyone else isn’t, and vice versa. I never said that I had a “normal” sense of humor.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I have actually discovered the secret! Years and years of practice, my friends.
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. I’M NOT LAZY, I’M EFFICIENT, DAMMIT!
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. K or Generic, I’m giving this job to you.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text. But of course I NEVER text and drive.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- Was learning cursive really necessary? Honestly!
- Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". It’s a great conversation filler, dontcha think? Lol.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Oh goodness, ALL the time. But I think that’s partially due to genetics.
- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. Even more terrifying is comparing with your classmates after the test. “Oh you had all A’s? I was getting all C’s…..crap, I must have FAILED!”
- My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". Whatever floats your boat, buddy.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? My rule of thumb is after 2, sometimes 3. Then it’s their own fault if you don’t understand.
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! Traffic brotherhood, boo-yah!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies" Try it with getting really creative and see what people say. “Yes, that’s Kourtney….K as in kamikaze, o as in octagon, u as in ukulele…”
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? AWESOME is what would happen. TV’s next new reality show, perhaps?
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. With my sense of direction, this isn’t always true….or pretty.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. I’ve always thought this!
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. Psh, probably the same people who go for the Polar swim every year. Crazies.
-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. Correction: jeans can get dirty (to the discretion of the wearer). Slacks/pants that require special cleaning never get dirty. Maybe once every few months or as necessary.
Also related –
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night." “In addition to the H1N1 virus and obesity, a new epidemic is sweeping through the nation…”
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. I believe it was 1992. The days where I still took a nap.
- Bad decisions make good stories. Addendum: after an acceptable amount of time has passed where the battle scars are still visible but the pain is not.
-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! Facebook = stalkerweb
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? Psh, not just high school girls. Middle school girls aren’t lookin’ too innocent these days, either. What are their parents thinking!!?
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. Invisible, but with horrible fashion sense. Trench coats and striped shirts…I don’t think so.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... Icebreakers are evil. Plain and simple.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. Honestly, what’s the big difference between DVDs and Blue-Ray? Not big enough to pay an extra $8/movie and re-buy my whole collection, no siree….
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' This also applies to picking a movie to watch. ESPECIALLY on a date. Which none of my dates have seemed to realize the kind of pressure this task provides!
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. And it always ends up that the days where you put in no effort whatsoever into your appearance, that’s the one day you should have really put in the extra effort.
-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. Define “light”
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. Definitely true.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. Anyone else see what happens to cyclists in Portland when road rage is involved? YouTube that video.
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well. Equality for all!
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay. HAHAHAHAHA.
-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat-ass before dinner.

It's the little things in life that count

~ I've read more books for fun in the past 2 months than I've read in the last 4 years. And all because I wanted to, not because I would get tested on it.
~ I find peace simply by taking a walk by myself. If I happen to have a puppy with me, so much the better.
~ Baking brings me inner joy. And sometimes joy (but more often, annoyance) from my co-workers and family who get to sample the goods.
~ Who knew that Gummie Bears could count as a snack for breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner?
~ I love going to the gym and playing volleyball with no pressure whatsoever to do well, other than my own self-drive and pride. Never again will I be subject to a coach and the humiliation/frustration they deal out in droves.
~ Good can come from a broken car. It can be so nice to actually enjoy the wind blowing through the car windows, rather than cranking up the A/C

This post really has no point to it at all. Just had a moment of quiet reflection to realize that I don't need to spend a lot of money or rely on other people for happiness. The way I see it, we have two choices: to live our lives with the glass half-full, or go through life thinking that the world owes us something without working for it. There will be days where you feel like the world is falling apart at the seams, but God never gives us more than we can handle, which is the knowledge I need to get back up, re-evaluate my life, and get going again.

This is my e-mail Inbox

When you're as close to your sister as I am to mine, you will often get lovely e-mails, filled with love and witty anecdotes and recipes for chocolate cake.

Or...you could have a sister who is a nurse. That's when you get e-mails that start like this:

"Hi! Taking a brief moment from my patient's incessant diarrhea :-)."

Jealous, much? And don't even get me started on the sad tales that I'm lucky enough to hear over the dinner table. For example, a few of the popular topics are:

-- Firehose-power diarrhea
-- Projectile phlegm/loogies
-- Extra appendages....of the male persuasion

And her husband is going to school to be a nurse, too. -sigh-. Definitely a case where "Double the pleasure, double the fun" is NOT a true statement.

Attack of the Hormones

I can be honest here, right?

I should be able to -- it's my blog after all, and therefore I am it's ruler of the universe and make all the laws, decrees, and sactions that I want to. Because I can, that's why.

Okay, I'm glad we have that taken care of.

Back to my original question -- I can, in fact, be brutally honest here. I can say exactly what's on my mind, even if it differs from the opinions, thoughts, or socially acceptable norms of the rest of the world. What a relief.

Which means that I can say -- HORMONES. ARE. A. BITCH.
(Sorry for my language, mom, but you know it's true).

Today is one of those days where I don't know whether to laugh, cry, scream, or just yell at whoever is unlucky enough to be in the vacinity (which is truly a shame, because I really do like the people I work with). I also get to have the ever-present interal battle of what I want to eat. Meaning I want to eat everything in sight, even more so if it includes a chocolate milkshake and something baked with a lot of sugar and butter, but then I feel fat and bloated and don't want to cave in to the cravings, because honestly, these blasted hormones are not worth the extra cellulite!

GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
(wow, sometimes my articulate-ness astounds even me)

3 Things

I recently read a book where the main character had a good habit that I'm trying to pick up on: every time something unfavorable happened, she made herself think of 3 good things that had happened that were related to the main "bad" thing, and then somehow, the world seemed like a happier place.

Let's give this a try:

I've been casually dating JS* for a few weeks now. I like the guy -- he's great, is fun to hang out with, and seems to have his life together. Only bad thing is that he'll be going back to school in a month, so I'm not holding my breath on a lasting relationship. "Que sera, sera" and all that crap.
Anyways, tonight we were supposed to hang out. We saw each other on Friday, and had a great time, which is partly why I was so excited to hang out again tonight. But, alas, The Man intervened and prevented such a meeting from happening (tonight). Something about "blah blah blah steel girders blah work tonight blah I'M SORRY". At least I can take some comfort in the fact that I'm pretty sure he meant it. But still. It's one of those things where you don't realize how much you're looking forward to something until it doesn't happen.

So now we're trying our own version of home-remedy therapy.

Here goes:

1) I meant to make banana bread last night, but chose to play volleyball instead at 24-Hr. Now I can make some delectable banana bread for my grandmother.
2) This is the same grandmother who had a "no big deal cataract laser eye thing" done today, and who chose not to tell her granddaughter/roommate about, so now I can feel less guilty and go home to take care of my half-blinded grandmother.
3) My toenails are in dire need of a pedicure.

Huh. This isn't as hard as I thought. Might as well shoot for the stars and see how many good things I can think of.

4) I went to the gym last night AND this morning at 4am, just in case we were to go out to dinner at some place where I couldn't get something that was somewhat healthy for me. So now not only am I saving myself probably hundreds of calories, but I can feel better about the cake ball and snickerdoodle cookie that I ate today while I'm at home eating my usual dinner -- brown rice and steamed veggies.
5) "I'm rather fond of walking" (name that movie! One of my personal faves, but that's neither here nor there). Maybe tonight while the banana bread is in the oven and I make sure that my grandma has everything she needs, I can take a quick walk. To burn off some of the calories from the previously-mentioned sweet snacks.
6) I can feel more like the confident, independent, modern woman that I am....while checking my phone every 45 (ok, let's be honest....20) minutes for any texts I may have missed.
7) I can get to bed at a decent time. Since I got up early this morning to go to the gym, I thought that tomorrow would be killer since I wouldn't be getting home until late. Now, I can not only go to bed, but get a full night's sleep and go to the gym tomorrow, too! Even though Tuesday is usually my day off! BOO-YAH I KICK ASS.
8) I'm sure that there is at least an episode or two (or 230587239085) of Ace of Cakes that I really should catch up on. You know, to stay aware of cultural events, like cake decorating art.
9) I just got my hair cut, so I'm still working out how the new hairstyle is working. This gives me at least another day to perfect the new 'do before he sees it for the first time.
10) Hmmm, one more. Uhhh......oh! I BBQ'd some chicken last night, and didn't have time to clean the grill and put the cover back on. IT WILL BE DONE AND I WILL HAVE REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SELF-ACTUALIZATION.

But I still wish I was going out tonight.






*That "protect the innocent" crap again. Just in case. Not that there's much of a chance that he reads this since he doesn't have internet at home, but ya never know...

One Smart Sassy Cookie

Can you imagine if everyone in the world judged everything by how it looked?

The homeless guy you see sitting on the corner, begging for money. He might have actually lost his job and everything he had, and has no where else to go.

The designer-sporting socialite wife -- sure, she looks like she has it all and a bag of chips. But is she in a happy marriage? Did her life turn out exactly like she wanted, or nothing like she wanted at all?

A classic (and my favorite) example: Dolly Parton. I mean, look at the woman. She's well-known for her country songs, mega-watt set of pipes, acting career and ample....uh...bosom (-shivers- I hate that word, ugh), but underneath that superficial-looking exterior is a woman who I look at in utter amazement. She started out in the backwoods of Tennessee (literally, with 11 siblings to boot), and grew up looking like a hooker/Barbie doll to become one of country music's biggest icons. Just look at a few of her quotes below, and tell me that she's just a dumb blonde.

~If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.
~I had to get rich so I could afford to sing like I was poor again.
~If you want to see the rainbow you gotta put up with the rain.
~There's a heart beneath the boobs and a brain beneath the wig.
~After Momma gave birth to twelve of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her.
~I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.
~If I see something saggin', baggin' or dragin', I'm gonna have it nipped, tucked or sucked. (Referring to Plastic Surgery)
~Some of my dreams are so big they would scare you.
~I'll never harden my heart, but I've toughened the muscles around it.
~If there's a heaven, I hope to hell I go!
~It's when you treat people like freaks that you become one yourself.
~I was blessed to have family members who encouraged me to pursue my dreams. Whether it is your parents, or your uncles or your aunts or even the neighbor down the road, it's important that kids have someone who encourages them to chase their rainbow.
~Sometimes you see folks who have a negative view of dreamers - people who sit around all day on their hindquarters and do absolutely nothing. These folks aren't dreamers - they are just lazy. To me, dreaming is just part of being alive, inspired, and curious about the world.
To me, it's about dreaming in the day and in the night. Dreams have always helped me visualize my goals and aspirations. When I was a child, I could see me on stage singing my heart out. I could see what I was wearing and where I was going. I would visit that dream every single day and as I look back, my dreams kept me focused on what I wanted to do and the person I wanted to be.
~I have always been a firm believer in working hard for what is right and for making your own breaks if you want things to change.
~I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food, I eat it.
~I never, ever get involved in politics. With politics you are not allowed to be honest. I don't have time to deal with that. I would rather work with kids.
~[asked about political ambitions] Don't you think we've had enough boobs in the White House?
~On plastic surgery: I'm a proud person. I'm not vain. I look at it like it is. If you've got the money and you're going to be out there, you owe it to people not to look like a dog if you can help it.
~Find out who you are, and do it on purpose.