New Years Interview -- Round 1

This year, a few days before New Years Eve, I'm traveling to Philly, where I'll meet up with my college girlfriends for a much-needed reunion, and will then proceed to make our way up to New York City for New Years Eve. Now, the plan is not for us to stand in Times Square with 2 million other people, freezing our butts off and heightening the risk of getting mugged, molested, or lost. No, our plan is to find a nice, heated, well-stocked bar, complete with a bathroom, to sit in for the entire night, and watch the ball drop from the comfort of our own table.

Only one minor problem with this: 4 girls. New Years Eve. Booze. Jolly times. What is missing from this picture?

Traditionally, when the clock strikes twelve on new years, every girl is hoping for a New Years Kiss.

And not just from any average joe. Sure, for the small-town girl such as myself, I would definitely shy away from kissing a complete stranger (did they brush their teeth!?), but now that I'm living in the big city (shut UP, Portland is big!) I'm looking to expand my horizons. Within reason.

Therefore, while contemplating this dilemma, my friend Grace came up with a genius solution -- prequalifying interviews! You may think I'm joking, but I can assure you in all honesty that something very similar to the following will happen on their next trip to NYC...or our friend's brother's frat house at Columbia:

You there! BOY!! Come here!! (I feel like talking like an old woman will be best) What are you plans for new years eve? None? Excellent!! How would you like to be guaranteed to have a beautiful older woman to kiss at midnight? Exactly . . . for only one low price of . . . no I kid. Anyway - you need to pass a slight background check of sorts. For starters, you'll be happy to know you've passed the physical appeal test. I picked you out from across the room based on the fact that you were fairly attractive and I couldn't smell you from where I was. Now let me ask you a few questions . . .

- are you single?
- are you ok with just hanging out for a night - no extras unless you get lucky - and no strings? If you become a stage 4 clinger I will have to terminate you!
- when was the last time you cried? If recently was it over a sad movie, from laughing, from actual saddens like a death, or from something sissy like your period?
- Fill in the blank - when a girl says she's cold you . . . (acceptable answers include - give her your coat, wrap your arms around her, buy her a hot drink, buy her a heater, rent her a luxury box somewhere with better/warmer viewing) (incorrect answers include - telling her she should have dressed warmer, informing her that if she were as smart as you she would have dressed warmer, informing her that she's annoying you, or just abandoning her in some form or another)
- Fill in the blank - when you are out drinking with a girl your end goal is to . . . (acceptable answer include - have fun, enjoy yourselves, hope to get a kiss/whatever but let it take a natural progression with only minimal alcoholic involvement, ect.) (incorrect answers include - get her wasted so as to take advantage of her, have her friends get her wasted and then take advantage of her, coerce her friends into abandoning her drunk *ss with you and then taking advantage of her) (other answers that will get you shot on the spot include - slip her something, or offer to pay her something ect.)
- True or False - if a girl is drunk and says she'll figure out a way to get home alone you leave her (FALSE!!! Not only do you not leave her you accompany her home and make sure she is safe and will not die overnight!)
- True or False - in the short, perhaps 8 to 10 hour period we will spend together is it acceptable to discuss our feelings and or have other deep emotional conversations. (Probably not - exceptions can be made but safe to say LEAVE THE BAGGAGE AT HOME WOMAN!!!)

Thank you for you time. Now let me remind you that should you violate any of the Grace's Super Fun rules by being a woman, annoying, PMSy, or other wise a general pain in my ass I will hurt you. Now do not assume your mammoth size will save you. Because I will be in big heels and have a lot of rage. You do not want to see me angry - DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME YOUNG MAN!?!?! (insert death glare here). Now, if we have an agreement . . . yes we will embark on what is guaranteed to be a wonderful night of debauchery in NYC. Now run along . . . but consider yourself warned!! I'll be watching you very closely, so tread lightly, and watch your back.

I think we'll be able to get some good guys, don't you??